Getting fit & Fitting in

The gym. A place I never thought I’d be blogging about. As a sofa sloth and exercise avoider it’s not my first port of call when I have a free afternoon. I’d much rather be chilling with a re-run of Miss Marple than pushing myself in a sweaty gym. But alas, I have a wedding dress to fit into and a honeymoon I want to feel confident for. So here I find myself.

I joined the gym in October after a drunken agreement made with my lovely neighbour. Before Christmas I wasn’t committed and found it all a bit of a laugh if I’m honest. Post-Christmas I am being strict but realistic with myself. I have committed to going to the gym a minimum of twice a week with an exercise class thrown in for good measure. This exercise class is where I had my ‘fitting in’ realisation. A realisation moment I want to share with you.

I’m going to be honest. As I always am, which often leads me into trouble but sod it, honest is who I am. I find going to the gym extremely uncomfortable. I feel like I’m back in high school, not fitting in here and not fitting in there. A lost ‘not so little’ soul just trying her bloody best, to be her best self.

I’m not a super toned, super slim, gym bunny who does insanity work outs as a warm up.

I’m not a larger lady who has decided to take control of her lifestyle for a healthier way of life.

I’m not a size 6.

I’m not a size 26.

I’m in between.

I’m in between these two ends of the spectrum. And because of that I don’t feel like I ‘fit in’.

Let me explain why before you think I’m fitness or weight bashing because I’m not.

On one of my first visits to the gym I went solo and decided to go into the ‘exercise’ room to do some sit ups, squats, that sort of thing. The things I’ve seen on the fitness videos I bought from poundland many moons ago. I walked in and attempted some exercises, surrounded by men and women who resembled an army boot camp, boshing out the exercises and giving me shifty side glances as I hopelessly tried to do a squat correctly. Clearly that was not the place for me, so I pottered off back to the treadmill for my up-hill power walk – something I can do correctly. Walk. I felt stupid. I felt stupid for attempting exercise. I felt stupid for not running as fast as the woman next to me. I felt stupid in my oversized t-shirt when they all had lycra crop tops on. I felt inadequate, out of place and 14 again.

Weeks later and I attempt an ‘aquacise’ class – similar to aqua aerobics but with a wider range of exercises which push you harder. It was swimming costume time. In public. On my own. But I did it. I went into the pool and stood near some ladies who were bigger than me and I immediately got looked at up and down, whispers and giggles exchanged and shifty side looks again. Later in the class and we had to lift ourselves out of the pool & back in as fast as we could. Along with one other lady we were the only ones who were able to it fully, well done us right? Nope. We got a well done from the instructor & and “of course she fucking can, why is she even here?” muttered from the lady next to me to her friend. So again, 14 year old Jess appeared. I kept my head down, finished the class, had a little cry in the shower and headed home.

For days I felt like shit. I couldn’t do right for doing wrong. I didn’t belong. I was out of place in every aspect of gym ‘life’. But then I thought what am I doing? WHY am I sat at home worrying about what tiny toned Tina thinks about me? Why am I worrying about what bitchy buxom Bella says about me? Am I going to the gym to make friends? No. I am going to the gym to feel better about myself. I am going to the gym so I can put on my swimming costume for aquacise without feeling sick. I am going to the gym so I can glide down that aisle without worrying about what my arms look like. I am going to the gym so I am a happier and healthier person.

So with all due respect ‘Tina’ and ‘Bella’ can do one.

No matter you’re shape, size, abilities; you need to strut into that gym and try your best. You know what your best is and that’s all you can do. Don’t compare yourself to the person next to you because 99% of the time they won’t be looking at you. They’ll be so engrossed in their work out and what they are doing that they won’t even know you’re there. And that 1% of the time? Ignore them. Ignore all of it.

I’m doing this for me. And you should do it for you.

Jess x

#gym #fitness #weightloss