Its been a while ...

Oh hey.

Its been a while ... Sorry about that. I think now is the right time to fill you in, properly.

Before I start this may come out a bit discombobulated, essentially word vomit in blog form but lets see how I go.

Lots has happened since I last checked in (honeymoon review, I know!) – We now have two new additions to the family in cat form, Jack has a new job, we’ve made a start on decorating the house, oh and I had a bit of a breakdown; maybe I should start with that – elephant in the room.

We had the dreamiest of honeymoons and came back to reality with an almighty bump. Straight back into work, back into household chores and back into normal married life. The first few weeks of work were a slog – of course they were, I wasn’t sat on a beach in Bali! But it was more than that. I felt myself becoming more and more down and more and more anxious. I was worrying about things that didn’t need worrying about; I checked the front door was locked five times before I went to bed; I had a panic attack because a friend hadn’t txt back and I thought I’d upset them – it was endless and exhausting and I was not coping well at all. I think what had happened was that I’d spent the past few years of my life on high anxiety –

- Finishing Uni with a solid degree

- Finding a job

- Finding an apartment

- Planning a wedding

- Buying a house

- Planning a honeymoon

That when I finally stopped and had nothing to worry about my brain couldn’t cope, so I had the same levels of anxiety about planning a wedding, but for whether I was going to burn dinner. So I reached out to some friends who I knew would understand and they told me to head to the doctors, and I did. I was given some coping techniques and they put me on anti-depressants – it got worse. I was struggling to function with normal day to day tasks, my anxiety and depression was taking over and why the hell was I anxious?! I had a beautiful house, a wonderful husband, brilliant family and friends and a job which I love. It was time to tackle this properly and I headed to my first counselling/CBT session. Now you know the phrase “it gets worse before it gets better”? Well … we got worse.

You know that shit cupboard everyone has? The one in the spare room where things go to die? Old receipts, broken toys, a bath bomb gift set from an estranged relative … Well just think of that cupboard for a minute. Now counselling is like someone has asked you to open the door of that cupboard. The first few sessions you’re looking at this black hole and thinking “what the hell am I going to find?” – then it happens. It all falls out, things you knew you had in there and things you didn’t. Now it’s the counsellors job to slowly sift through all that shit, to walk through it all with you so you address it, grow from it and Throw. That. Shit. Out.

Reliving old situations made me realise that something’s in my past weren’t ok. Some things in my past were bloody horrendous – and I was having to talk about it. I was having to speak not only to a stranger about it but share these dark moments with my family and friends. Have I ever felt lower in my life? No. Am I that same person now? Absolutely bloody not.

I had to wade through the dark days to get to now. And that’s what it feels like sometimes – wading. Wading through treacle, in the dark, with James Blunt screeching in my ears. But then other days I’m as happy as a clam. I have had mega support from all off my loved ones and mega support off new friends I’ve made along the way. I still have treacle days and that’s ok. I’m still on medication, and that’s ok too. But right now, as I sit typing this with my kittens sat at my feet and my hubby due home from work any minute – I’m alright.

Jess x